I HAVE SENT THE PENGUINS TO SAVE YOU!

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Tom Cruise is being savaged at the US box office by a troupe of lovelorn birds.

March of the Penguins, a low-budget wildlife film about the mating habits of the emperor penguin, is promising to be the surprise hit of the northern summer after pulling in larger audiences at the 20 cinemas where it has been shown than Cruise's War of the Worlds and Batman Begins combined. It has proved so popular in its first two weeks that it was opening at 350 others this weekend.

Even Tom and Katie combined are no match for the victorious, beautiful birds.

Now, most young girls should have a healthy facination with animals. Dakota, we hope you are one of them. These birds will rescue you, show you there are better things that a sham relationship and brainwashing. Far better things. Even with your sunken eyes and odd teeth, you could go far. Hopefully, your teenage years will not be filled with gawkyness. You are better than Haley whateverhisnamewas. You will rise above. DO NOT TAKE HIS VITAMINS FOLLOW THE PENGUINS THEY WILL KEEP YOU SAFE.