Save Dakota Fanning!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Eleven Factor

According to TomCruiseIsNuts dot com: "If Tom "Icky Creepy Drooly Old Man" Cruise and Katie "I'm as virginial as Britney Spears was when she was feigning innocence" Holmes wed, each of his wives will have been eleven years younger than the last. (Mimi Rogers, b. 1956; Nicole Kidman, b. 1967; Katie "I'm as virginial as Britney Spears was when she was feigning innocence" Holmes, b. 1978)."

Dakota Fanning was born on February 23, 1994. Holy crap, I was a junior in high school. But I digress -- 1994 puts her five years out of the Eleven Factor. Born five years too late. Will that be enough to stop Mr. Cruise from what is becoming evident to be his master plan, Fanning Domination?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Taking into consideration his (alleged) Scientologistical powers as a (rumored) OT VII, one could suppose that, in the act of ridding the world of poverty, mental illness and illiteracy, Cruise would need to involve himself in quite an array of superpowers -- including time travel? WHY NOT, CRAZY SCIENTOLOGY MAN?! And! We all know that time travel holds its own various and sundry (and often changing) rules and paradoxes (or would it be paradoxii?) -- we've all seen it's vast and ill-effects in such time travel documentaries as The Butterfly Effect, Twelve Monkeys and Back to the Future I, II, and III. Suppose that, during his spiritual travels, his physical body remains in Hollywood, grinning like a maniac, deep-dipping poor ditzed-out KatieKate, sending his 75% tithing to L. Ron's estate, making bloated and improbable action flicks, his freaky, unaging mug plastered hither and yon ... all the while, his spiritual self travels time and space, healing the sick and pumping his spiritual fists in ecstasy while jumping on spiritual couches as he battles the evils of dyslexia and anti-depressants. And suppose that he returns from his travels, oh, say, FIVE YEARS LATER?!

And thus: the five years negated, the Eleven Factor may still leave our ward, sweet little Dakota, at dire risk. Maybe this sounds like so much science-fiction inspired fantasy -- but, hey, some people would say that the fantasy is the walking dead in the form of a guy we like to call the Big J.C. I say? Better safe than sorry.


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