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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Gay Movies

(From Here)

Magnolia (1999)
Gay Role: Frank T.J. Mackey

The Gay Plot: There are several plots intertwined in this freaky movie, but there's only one plotline we were interested in following: Cruise's plotline. In Magnolia, he plays a motivational speaker, only his motivational speaker doesn't lecture on how to succeed in business, he lectures on how to treat women like crap. It's obvious he has a beef with the ladies.

Gay Tendencies: It's obvious, isn't it? Cruise is so deep in the closet, he's a raving lunatic homophobe. He also wears faggy leather vests and sports the kind of ponytail that even normal gay guys call femme.

His Memorable Gay Dialogue: "Respect the cock!"

Big-Ass Ham Says: "This was one film where Tom Cruise really made me nervous-like his character would have butt sex with me and then fag-bash me and leave me for dead. I personally know a lot of gay guy friends who got off on this Cruise character, but he seemed too much of a gay basher for my taste."

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Gay Role: Doctor William Hartford

The Gay Plot: Cruise becomes obsessed with having a sexual encounter after his wife (Kidman) admits to having sexual fantasies about another guy she met. She then berates him for dishonesty in not admitting to his own fantasies. This sets him off into unfulfilled encounters with a dead patient's daughter and a hooker. Only a gay guy like Tom Cruise couldn't get laid in a movie like this.

Gay Tendencies: Tom Cruise wanders around New York for a night trying to get laid-and never gets laid! Does that tell you anything?

His Memorable Gay Dialogue: Alice Hartford: "There is something very important we need to do as soon as possible." William Hartford: "What?" Alice Hartford: "Fuck." (Only Tom Cruise has to ask "What?" after a question like that.) Big-Ass Ham Says: "I really have no comment about this one. I was really upset when Tom didn't get nude it in that orgy scene. I felt like asking for my money back at the theater when I saw it."

Interview with the Vampire (1994)
Gay Role: Lestat de Lioncourt

The Gay Plot: In what's easily Cruise's gayest movie ever, Louis (Pitt) loses a recent bride and child and wants nothing more than to end his life. Lestat (Cruise) decides to give him the choice to be a vampire. Louis accepts and begins his descent into the immortal but hellish life of a vampire. Like a gay guy trying to make a straight guy his lover.

Gay Tendencies: Please! You could cut the gay tension with a dull dildo.

His Memorable Gay Dialogue: Lestat de Lioncourt: "No one could resist me, not even you, Louis." Louis de Pointe du Lac (Brad Pitt): "I tried." Lestat de Lioncourt : [ smiling ] "And the more you tried, the more I wanted you." Big-Ass Ham says: "This and Sparticus are two of my more favorite homoerotic movies ever!"

A Few Good Men (1992) Gay Role: Lieutenant Daniel Alistair, Lieutenant Kaffee

The Gay Plot: A Few Good Men, a phrase Cruise has surely said to himself many a night, is another one of those boring, all-too-familiar military court room drama snoozefests. But there are a lot of gay undertones to this one too. Notice all the butch military guys with their rent-boy hairdos and snug uniforms. Watch as the military guys on trial give each other those knowing looks that only the love that dare not speaks its name can produce.

Gay Tendencies: Oddly enough, there aren't many. Cruise does his best ever to act like a heterosexual guy as he yells like a lumberjack at alpha male Jack Nickolson. He didn't fool us though.

His Memorable Gay Dialogue: Lieutenant Kaffee: "Is the colonel's underwear a matter of national security?"

Big-Ass Ham says: "C'mon, Tom Cruise in a military uniform? It's what flaming gay guys like me have wet dreams about."

1 Comments:

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