Save Dakota Fanning!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

resolution, or PREMONITION???

Read Article Here

MSNBC reports:
Name: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Resolved: To fulfill their dreams of being the perfect, most well-adjusted family in Hollywood. One that no one could possibly suspect of being a complete sham perpetrated by a 40-something Scientologist who worries that his days of being the go-to stud are numbered and a former WB refugee who sees only horror movie sequels in her future.

After announcing her retirement from acting to fulfill the glorious role of motherhood, Holmes will promptly knock out two more kids before taking a role in an Anthony Minghella-directed period drama. She’ll be panned by critics, but will lay the groundwork for her post-Cruise career by proving that she has more than one facial expression.

While making sure to re-seed the more thinning portions of his hairline, Cruise will continue to insist on doing his own stunts and talk incessantly about it in the press. Reigned in by his new set of handlers, he will keep couch leaping and prescription drug bashing to a minimum, but will forever hold a grudge against Matt Lauer.

The two will part amicably after starring together in an action-packed remake of “The Way We Were.” After which, Holmes’ career will blossom and Cruise will be romantically linked in the press to Dakota Fanning.

Exactly! Why do we exist? For the sole purpose of saving Ms. Fanning from Icky Drooly Creeepy Mr. Cruise. I mean, he's gross, and he's preying on progressively younger women. The latest looks strikingly like his daughter only fatter more pregnant.

So, yes, enough people keep mentioning it. 55 year old Cruise will likely be resting his hand a bit too long of Miss Fanning's shoulder. We shudder at the thought.

That is why we bring you all the Cruise That's Fit To Spit, to keep you informed. Perhaps we, the people, can change things, can raise awareness, can help to save this girl with progressively less offensive teeth.

(also, why is she hovering protectively over HIS belly? who is REALLY pregnant here? Hmmmmmm)


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