Theories

I'm going to fall back on what I remember of my philosophy training for this one.

We have two options:
1. Suri exists.
2. Suri does not exist.

If Suri exists, we have two options.
1. Katie Holmes carried and gave birth to Suri.
2. Katie Holmes did NOT carry and give birth to Suri.

If Suri does not exist, we have one option:
1. Tom is batshit crazy.

If Katie Holmes carried and gave birth to Suri, we have two options:
1. No one has met Suri because Tom and Katie are shy and private.
2. The baby is hideously deformed.

If Katie Holmes did NOT carry and give birth to Suri, we have one option (remember, we're assuming she exists):
1. Tom and Katie adopted a baby and are lying.

If no one has met Suri because Tom and Katie are shy and private, wait, that's a logical impossibility. Thus, if Katie Holmes carried and gave birth to Suri the baby is hideously deformed.

So, we have three possible options:
1. Suri does not exist and Tom is batshit crazy.
2. Tom and Katie adopted a baby and are lying.
3. The baby is hideously deformed. Or black.

[note: black does not equal deformed, but would be yet another reason to hide the baby, since neither parent, as far as I can tell by the way they jump and dance, is black.]

So, we have a 66% chance that Tom is batshit crazy and a liar. We have a 16.5% chance the baby is totally, totally deformed. And a 16.5% chance Katie banged a black dude.

I like those odds.