Will There Be Room For TommyTom On The Mothership?

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The source says that while church officials are “very happy” that Cruise has increased awareness of the sometimes controversial church and its positions, episodes such as his criticism of Brooke Shields and his testy talk with Matt Lauer on the Today Show “seem to be causing some backlash.”

Never fear, Tommy Boy; your brothers down at the S-to-tha-CIENTOLOGY gots your back, yo. Invoke the scatalogical references, oh enlightened ones:

Regarding rumored dissatisfaction ... [the church representative] “Obviously, your sources are feeding you horse manure. But beyond that, it’s offensive to even suggest that the Church would take positions regarding any of its members’ affairs, when its sole role is a spiritual one.”

If the rumors of discord amongst the alien fetishists church is true, what does this mean to Tom? Wait, fuck Tom. What does this mean to DAKOTA? While we at Save Dakota hope with all of our dangerously swollen hearts that D.Fan will have the strength and foresight be able to keep T.Cru at bay ... well, if she's going down (and I mean this figuratively, as we all well know that her gentleman caller cringes at the thought of a female touching his Little Tommy in ANY way), the least we can hope for is that the brain leaches from Thetanville will have, by that time, unlatched themselves from TommyTom's bloated head and slithered off to hide under less visibly crazy celebrity skulls, saving Dakota the messy ordeal of the post-nuptiual-contract conversion and brainwashing.