Save Dakota Fanning!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Tom Takes Lessons in Love From Ron's School of Spiritual Hocus-Pocus

The Clambake gives tips to the wary consumer on how to believe in Scientology. Funny. In reviewing the five bold points, one might see a parallel in Cruise's apparent ideas on how to get the world to believe in the validity of TomKat:

1. Begin with a plausible mental model.

Man + woman = love & babies. That's not too far off, stereotypically speaking. We at Save Dakota support love -- real love among consenting adults, not publicity "situations" or hypnotic control over little girls SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL TOM! AND SO IS DAKOTA! -- in all it's forms, gay, straight, or otherwise. But in this example we're talking about a plausible mental model. So yes. That a good-looking *gagalittle* man and a good-looking *snortalittle* woman-child in the same line of work would want to marry and procrate? Fine. I'll bite.

2. ‘Prove' that it works.

Um, is that what the nausea-inducing red-carpet let's-not-roll-around-on-the-ground-okay-fine-let's tongue-wrestling make-out-sessions are all about? Because FINE. WE GET THE POINT. YOU CAN KISS HER WITHOUT VOMITING. PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST PLEASE STOP NOW.

3. Increase the amount of unreality on a gradient.

Such as? The fact that it isn't strange that two desperately and deeply in love individuals don't remember every moment and nuance of their first meeting. That they are each, in the other's eyes, completely without fault and will always and forever be in the honeymoon stages of love. That the whirlwind affair of magic starting immediately prior to their summer blockbuster openings was a mere coincidence. That Katie's a virgin. That TOM LIKES THE BOX.

4. Charge lots of money.

Please see: War of the Worlds, Batman Begins, pleasegodlettherebea wedding- or newlywed-based reality series.

5. Reinforce the belief system with ‘social proof'.

More with the making out. More with the celebrity endorsements (Mr. Fallon, I'm looking at you). And then the most solid social proof of all: the contract. No, not that one, altho $5m for five years is a nice little purse. I'm talking about the Wedding Of The Millenium.

Dakota, baby, you don't want you "love" to be guided by a cheatsheet. You want something real and unbridled and unexpected and pure. Something that DOESN'T have to prove itself or stick its tongue down your throat in front of a million papparazi cameras.

You deserve that.


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