Tom Cruise: My Life Sucks

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Scientologist Tom Cruise revealed that he is much older than the forty three years he has spent in his present body.

Tom Cruise noted that he is "old beyond reckoning." What's more, his current life is "probably one of the least satisfying" he has led.

"I was much happier in previous existences when I wrote plays, composed music, conquered nations, discovered continents, and developed cures for diseases," said Tom Cruise.

So, apparently, even though he is so much in love blah blah blah, his past lives were so much better.

I wonder what these cures for diseases were, since medicine is so terrible for you. Maybe he was a vitamin kind.

"Shakespeare was deja vu for me," said Tom Cruise. "It was so cool. I felt as if I had seen his words already, knew them all by heart. Then, after I began studying scientology, I realized the words had come from my heart in a previous life. That's why I say that as glorious and enviable as my present life is, making "War of the Worlds" and all those other great movies can't compare to writing "Romeo and Juliet" or the sonnets.

Cruise was fucking Shakespeare?

I call bullshit on that one.

Hey, isn't there proof that Shakespeare liked the young boys?

I'm just sayin'...