Save Dakota Fanning!

Monday, January 30, 2006

I hope she's hiding weapons under there to battle the evil cruise.

two by two

Katie's afraid of a premature pillow evacuation. Sorry katie, it looks like the pillow's ten months along anyway. Half the time.

Cruise likes coke whores. Whatever.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Now He Doesn't Have To Pretend To Like The Hairy Clam

Read Gossip Here

"An insider" tells In Touch Weekly that Tom Cruise "has put the brakes on their lovemaking." It turns out that Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard "wrote that a mother-to-be shouldn't engage in sex because it could negatively impact the baby."

Sex and nursing are bad bad bad.

Since he's gay and she's adopting.

Friday, January 27, 2006

I Ain't Sayin' She's A Gold Digger

Read Article Here

London reporter Lawrence goes on to say the prenuptial agreement, so ubiquitous among the rich and famous, is gaining adherents in the middle class. She then tells us actress Katie Holmes' Ohio father is a lawyer who is "playing hardball" with Tom Cruise - determined that his daughter be protected. He is demanding that Katie get more than $10 million in her own name, regardless of how long the marriage lasts, and that her expected child is guaranteed an equal amount.

Hmmm, in Hollywood terms the sum of $10 million sounds like "slim pickins." But I can't imagine Tom Cruise ever being stingy with an ex-wife (he hasn't been in the past) and especially not with his own offspring. I am sure Katie Holmes can sail down the aisle with confidence.

Much more problematical in this wedlock will be how the child is to be raised. Katie was born a Roman Catholic; Tom is a Scientologist.

Dude, she's clearly a brainwashed, crazy scietologist lady, too.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Show Me The Belly

So, I was looking at a picture of Angelina's belly tattoo earlier, and ruminating about how hot Latin is, when it dawned on me:

We have not once, since this "pregnancy" seen even a sliver of actual belly from Mz. Holmes.

We have seen bulge and button, muppet coats and scary grins, but no belly.

Even Melissa Joan Hart let slip some belly slivers, and she's a PRUDE.

We've seen your lopsided titties, HolmeGirl. Until I see that belly Demi-style, I will continue to call bullshit.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Scientologists Save Us From Seeing Katie's Lopsided Boobs

Read Article Here

So, yesterday we caught director Jason Reitman's (son of Ivan) hilarious film, Thank You For Smoking, which is based on the novel of the same name by Christopher Buckley (son of William F.). Before the film rolled, Jason got up to let us know that a scene was missing from the film. Not just any scene, but a Katie Holmes sex scene. According to Jason, there was a "projection error in Los Angeles" that resulted in that scene being trimmed from the second reel.

Now, call us conspiracy happy, but we smell the heavy hand of the Scientologists, and/or Tom Cruise at work here. How is it that a projection error resulted in ONLY the Katie Holmes scene getting trimmed? Several times in the film they reference her, and we are directly quoting here, "glorious tits"...did Tom Cruise decide to drop the hammer and cut this scene out? Or perhaps the Scientologists got involved and flexed their Hollywood muscle to pressure Jason Reitman. Maybe they threatened to withhold his dental insurance through the DGA (like his dad, Jason has some massive pearly white choppers). We imagine Tom in his The Last Samurai garb, using a katana to do a little film editing on his own. Beware the wrath of Cruise. You have been warned. If this post and/or the author somehow disappear, I have left instructions in a sealed envelope inside the LAist safety deposit box so that my disappearance can be investigated and blogged about dutifully.

As you can see, she's always been a bit lopsided. The right one (her right, your left) looks distinctly fake, what with the roundness and such, while the (smaller) left one looks totally natural.

Katie, did you have a one sided boob job???

Sunday, January 22, 2006

the growth and shrinkage of katie holmes

stolen, unabashadly, from

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I thought that was the woman's j----oh.

Tom picks out Katie's bridemaids.

Way to be, Tom.

Tom doesn't let Katie talk.

Way to go, Tom.

Actually, judging from her inability to read your mental teleprompter, it's probably the best idea.

Tom keeps Nicole's sexy things around.

It's because the hobbit wears them, silly girl.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Case Of The Lopsided Boobs

I have yet to see a single picture of "pregnant" Holmes where her boobs were not severely lopsided. That is what happens when you only take half of a bloussant until of the full recommended dose.

In other news, Cruise gives Holmes his masturbation material.


Monday, January 16, 2006

Oh Belly Where Art Thou?

the old:

and the new:

Friday, January 13, 2006


On a recent episode of Ellen Tom Cruise commented that if he had a boy pillow baby he would name it Dellen.

Many people have assume that he's joking, but he's not far off.

Instead of Dellen, when the pillow is reveilved to be a boy, it's name will be....


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

What Now Man Cow?

Hey, Tom, an attractive woman who is actually A list and lusted after by both genders is pregnant. By a man who is still considered (mostly) normal, and attractive, and who, by many, is considered lucky.

No one, I mean no one, considers you lucky to be with Katie.

So, they're news.

You? Not so much.

What's the plan, little man?

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Wait, I Thought TC *was* The Devil

(Read Article Here)

Pastor J. Grant Swank Jr has written on the PostChronicle website: "Satan takes all praise and glory from Redeemer Christ for all honor and esteem granted [Scientology founder L. Ron] Hubbard and his wild spheres of inner ascendancy,"

"Cruise, like many other famous individuals, particularly actors, furthers the cult of Scientology as Satan uses this means by which to direct eternal souls away from Christ to Hubbard."

Recently Cruise has been reported to have risen to one of the highest echelons of the Church of Scientology, known as "Operating Thetan Seven" or OT-VII , and it has been suggested that Cruise's increasing willingness to talk openly about Scientology may be a reflection of this.

Cruise's fiancée, Katie Holmes, has recently begun studying Scientology, which Cruise says does not conflict with her Roman Catholic upbringing.

Getting knocked up and squeezing out a lump pre-wedding, though, does.

A Glimpse Into The Future

The future doesn't always look so bright.

Sometimes, it looks downright scary.

(courtesy of C.)

Monday, January 09, 2006

Don't Let Your Pillow Drop.

'I read in US Weekly this week that Tom and Katie "I'm as virginial as Britney Spears was when she was feigning innocence" Holmes went SNOWMOBILING. Considering her precious condition, and the fact that she's "pregnant" snowmobiling is dangerous. She needs to be careful her pillow doesn't fall out.'


Some exercises that all pregnant women should avoid include water-skiing, diving, snowmobiling and horseback riding. Downhill skiing also can be dangerous, especially in the third trimester when your balance may be affected, due to the risk of hard falls. If you do choose to ski, stay on safe slopes.

--Sent in by D.

Way To Cover Your Ass Almost A Week Later, Publicist

(Read Article Here)

The gossip world has been abuzz in the last few days with rumors that the impending nuptials between affi anced actors Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise may have hit a bump over the holidays because of a spat.

Reports quoted “a close friend” of Cruise saying the contretemps
was not between the lovebirds but between Cruise and Holmes’ father, Toledo attorney Martin Holmes, and occurred in Toledo.

Wrong on both counts, a family member told The Blade yesterday.

The Holmes family traveled to New York City to celebrate the holidays and Katie’s 27th birthday with the couple, nicknamed TomKat.

“We spent time together as a family, not in Toledo,” the family member said. “And everything’s fine.”

Katie, who is pregnant, feels well, she said, but she would not divulge when the baby is due.

Oh, Kathy, Give Her A Few Years And You'll Be Telling The Truth

(Read Article Here)

"I get a call from the lawyers, and they're, like, 'DreamWorks is furious about the whole Dakota Fanning thing, and they're livid, and Spielberg is personally furious, and DreamWorks is putting you on a list, and they demand an apology.'

"As if War of the Worlds didn't have bigger fish to fry. With Tom Cruise losing his (mind) on THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW and the TODAY show and everything else, they're all worried about my Fanning joke, right?"

A spokesman for Spielberg tells, "I think it was made very obvious that people were very upset and they were looking for some sort of an apology. It was a very upsetting thing for a young child and her family.

"Obviously, to Kathy Griffin it was a joke, but why make a joke out of (Fanning)? She's a terrific young lady who was there with her family, and it was very upsetting."

Friday, January 06, 2006

Dakota! I Told You To Stay Away From Tom!

Marketing The Ever After

(Read Article Here)

What Scientology fails at is truth.

Scientology is all about Me. It's my happiness and money success.

Scientology is not about my sins, my need for repentance, my total inability to redeem my soul, my need for a Savior who provides His holy sacrifice by which to rescue my hell-bent soul.

Scientology is amoral. But there is no such entity as "amoral." It is moral or immoral. When something is referred to as amoral it is immoral. There is no middle ground between righteousness and unrighteousness. All is either smiled upon by heaven or urged on by hell. The only entities that may be regarded as "amoral" are inanimate objects such tables and chairs.

Christianity presents the truth that the mortal is born in sin. Mortal is in need of a Redeemer who presents Himself as holy before heaven's courts, providing His own life as a ransom for repentant souls.

Christianity is based upon the New Testament records. There one reads that Christ died for our sins, in our place, providing justice in the heavenly courts for mortals not able to provide that justice themselves due to their sinful natures.

Scientology has no place for heaven or hell. There is no Judgment Seat of Christ. There is no accountability at death.

It is all about now and one's earthly successful future. There are symbols and terms and definitions in Scientology that waylay the inquirer from the Bible into the writings of Ronald Hubbard, an esoteric visionary given to wild imaginative spinning.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

$5 mil doesn't go very far, does it Katie?

(Read Article Here)

“Tom and Katie ended up leaving[her family's house during the holidays] — three days earlier than planned,” according to a “close friend” of Cruise. “Katie was in tears, but that’s standard when it comes to dealing with family matters and Tom.”

A spokesman for Cruise denies the story, but there have been previous reports that Holmes’ lawyer father is not thrilled with the prospects of the two getting hitched.

“My honest opinion is that the wedding’s not going to happen,” a “friend of the couple” told the mag. “Neither one of them seems as enthusiastic as they once did about marriage.”

$5 mil doesn't go very far, does it Katie?

Hey, remember the end of "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee" where the girl's family kind of hated her for lying to them for money?

Um, yeah.


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

"A psychiatrist today has the power to (1) take a fancy to a woman (2) lead her to take wild treatment as a joke (3) drug and shock her to temporary insanity (4) incarnate [sic] her (5) use her sexually (6) sterilise her to prevent conception (7) kill her by a brain operation to prevent disclosure. And all with no fear of reprisal. Yet it is rape and murder… We want at least one bad mark on every psychiatrist in England, a murder, an assault, or a rape or more than one… This is Project Psychiatry. We will remove them."

- L. Ron Hubbard, Sec ED, Office of LRH, Confidential, 22 February 1966, "Project Psychiatry"


1) Not fancy, but she cleaned up okay;
2) She has become the joke;
3) She looks drugged and crazy;
4) And like she's being held against her will;
5) Can you say "pregnant?"
6) I hope she (like he) is
7) Yes, she looks pretty brain dead.

Who's the bad guy here again? Tom? What are you fighting against?

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Katie's been too busy using the ultrasound to figure out if the baby will come out black, despite of being reminded by Tom that it's just a pillow.

"Is the pillow black?"

Dear girl, get out while you still can.

Not that she can hear me.

They put tin foil on the walls, you see, so the pillow thetans can't get in.

12 Least Known Teachings of Scientology

1. Scientologist doctors recommend that all thetans who want to be clear and disease free undergo a regimen of proper auditing and constant expulsion of liquid assets of at least $300,000 in order to drain completely their minds (and bank accounts).

2. A Tribble is a thetan that seeks to obtain OT III level status by foregoing shaving. Notable tribbles who have donned beards include Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson), Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

3. Xenu is the name given for the cruel galactic ruler who banished thetans to earth some 75 million years ago. His anger was fueled in part because his parents favored his younger brother Zima's clear behavior.

4. L. Ron Hubbard wrote Dianetics during prolonged periods of isolation when Mother Hubbard forced him to sleep in a bare cupboard.

5. Despite what the National Mental Health Association says, Scientologists were NOT distributing booklets at Ground Zero. They were passing out pamphlets. Are we all clear now?

6. Scientologists can only watch porn videos if they contain multiple money shots.

7. The origin of the WWJD phenomenon was the Scientology acronym WWRD or "Who Would Ron Destroy?" Scientologist leaders deploy this acronym whenever they need to tap into their late leader's discernment powers so they can assess the most appropriate method of attacking a traitor or critic of the movement.

8. Christ was a myth fabricated by space aliens to deceive Man from realizing his true nature. In reality, he was a cabbie in Nazareth (Operating Thetan VIII).

9. Despite the claims of the U.S. Government, L. Ron Hubbard was not an embarrassment to the U.S. Navy. He never dropped anti-submarine torpedoes on an empty piece of ocean, and did not conduct target practice on a stretch of land that turned out to be Mexico.

10. Scientology is the No. 1 religion in the world, as it holds the current world record for filing more lawsuits in one single day than many churches have filed in their entire histories.

11. Not even constant auditing can guarantee the resurrection of Kirstie Alley, Juliette Lewis, and Mimi Rogers's acting careers.

12. Scientology receives "only" the same tax-exempt status as any other religion. The IRS granted this exemption after church leaders agreed to contribute unlimited auditing services.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Further Proof That He's A Jerk-Off

(Reac Article Here)

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have had their first big row and it was about him pushing back the date for their wedding. Her religious parents wanted Katie married before she gives birth and she agreed that would make her happy, too.

But Tom insisted his Mission: Impossible III filming schedule made that impossible and Katie burst into tears of disappointment. She confided to friends, "I think he's having second thoughts; maybe this relationship has moved too swiftly." When Tom heard that, he angrily denied it. Another bone of contention is Katie's plan to return to work soon after the baby arrives. But Tom insists she becomes a stay-at-home mom at least until their child is three. Like the wedding date, this problem hasn't been settled.

PREDICTION: Katie won't be able to pick up her career and she becomes bitter about it. It leads to trouble in their relationship.