Save Dakota Fanning!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

It's Like She Shops For Friends At The State Hospital

I'm not entirely certain that this is the lesser of two evils.

Dakota is like a MAGNET FOR THE CRAZY.

Perhaps the time has come to expand our reach. TommyTomTomTom might be all hitched-up to his current child-bride, but it is quickly becoming apparent that Dakota needs saved from THE WORLD.

Friday, December 01, 2006

A Familiar Voice Sends An SOS

You've seen GoFugYourself, right?
Oh god, if not: YOU MUST.


So... God, I'm nervous even writing this. Okay. Deep breath. See, I am a newlywed. And we're having our first Thanksgiving together. And his... traditions... are a tiny bit different than mine. For one thing, he doesn't want to have it on Thanksgiving because he thinks that's not what the Pilgrims would want, and whenever I try to explain that having Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving is kind of the whole POINT, he tells me that I haven't done my research and that he has and I should just let him handle things because he's a pilgrim expert. Also, believes that if we just leave the turkey on the counter overnight, Xe -- uh, I mean, some kind of cosmic force that he thinks is all-powerful -- will stuff it with good fortune. But I always thought it was sort of unhygenic to do that. He then wants us put on robes, rub our daughter with truffle oil, and read aloud passages from Battlefield Earth, because he says it's some kind of special auditing ceremony for babies who can't speak yet to confess their sins. Also, I like to say grace before we eat, but he likes to stand on his chair and throw his arms up to the sky and shout, "PURGE OUR THETANS, O GREAT ONE!" And then he starts laughing and clapping. Which, let's be honest, kind of weirded out my parents the last time so I told them it wouldn't happen again, but I'm not actually sure I can stop it. So I guess what I'm asking is, how the Hell did I get here, and yes, HUSBAND, I did say "Hell," because six months of your stupid free classes is nothing compared to a lifetime of being Catholic and I STILL BELIEVE IN MY OWN THING AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT OWWWWWWWWWWWWW I think the chip he put in my brain just zapped me. What was I saying? Oh yes -- have you ever taken a Personality Test?


Everything Is Fine And I Am Fine And My Baby Is Fine And We're All Just Fine Here, Thanks!


Bitch, I have no idea what you're even talking about.

Oh sweetie. It's ... too late. You've crossed over. The light doesn't even SHINE where you're at right now. All I can tell you is to stay strong, drink a LOT (I'm talking vodka and tonics, not those froofy frozen peach things that TommyTom insists on blending up every night before he has his masseuse rub him down with the oils that reek of coconut), and know that you've only got, what? Nine years, eleven months and change left in the contract?

Perhaps We Have Nothing To Fear

While reading our very important daily headline news over at OhNoTheyDidn't!, SaveDakota ran across this image created by the talented, lovely, and sweet-smelling crazy_clockwork:

Oh gee! I mean, with a face like that, surely we can let down our guard a little, right? Sweet little Suri; she's just a BABY! Not some terrifying genetically-mutated Hubbardian offspring! Not some monster from Planet Xenu (or whatever it's called; we've lost track, and just kinda don't care)! What do we have to worry about?!

Then again.
Remember how Gremlins started out?

I think I'll keep my holy water bedside. Just in case.

If You Find Yourself In New York....

This holiday season, a jubilant cast of children celebrate the controversial Church of Scientology in uplifting pageantry and song. Portraying Tom Cruise, the intergalactic ruler Xenu and a dancing brain, among others, the large ensemble explains and dissects the actual teachings of Scientology against the candy-colored backdrop of a traditional nativity play.

Avant-garde performance art and children's theater meet in one of the funniest and most bewildering holiday shows you will ever see: the OBIE Award-winning ironic masterpiece A Very Merry Unauthorized Children's Scientology Pageant.

Get your tickets now before they're all gone! Go to or call 212-460-5475.


Some Fanning News

1. Maybe we should focus more on DRESSING Dakota, instead of saving her.

Poor girl.

2. She hates Vegemite.

3. She thinks Tom Cruise is a pig.

She said she could not name a favourite co-star and had enjoyed working with Tom Cruise in the blockbuster War of the Worlds as much as she had with the 60-odd pigs who had shared the role of Wilbur in Charlotte's Web.

Where Is The Original Content?

I know, I know, we here at SaveDakota have just been pasting and stealing, with very little original content?

What can we say? Cruise is married or whatever. He may be a sleaze, but he's not the type to cheat on his wife. Well, not with a female, at least. So, while we'll keep an eye on the Cruise Situation for you, it's not such a pressing concern as it was about a year ago when we started this campaign.

Ms. Fanning has remained safe, and is growing into quite a pretty young lady, despite fears of her getting ugly as she approached puberty.

That's not to say we're going to become one of the masturbating fan sites, gushing and crap. But, also, do not fear. We will not become the petty streets of PerezHiltonville. No, we could never stoop that low.

Here's a little news roundup:
  • Will Smith has turned his back on pal Tom Cruise's efforts to convert him to Scientology because he doesn't want to upset his late grandmother
  • Rumor has it, Tom and Katie will release some terrible duet couple album. If it's going to be anything like "Ebony and Ivory," I'll preorder right now.
  • Selfnamed JLo (we're still a little upset she actually pulled that off), realizing that if Scientology can't stop Cruise from shooting blanks, it can do anything, turns to the cult for help
  • ‘‘A Very Merry Unauthorized Children’s Scientology Pageant.”Presented by Boston Theatre Works at the Boston Center for the Arts’ Plaza Theatre, through Dec. 16.
  • Man claims Scientology the modern Buddhism. No one cares.
  • "a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat" Further proof that Scientology is the best practical joke every played on retarded famous people.