Save Dakota Fanning!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Helpful Tips For Harrassing Stalking Contacting Cruise

Tom "Icky Creepy Drooly Old Man" Cruise undoubtedly gets hundreds of thousands of calls and letters
each year. The best way to contact him would be through his business offices and associates. He is said to represent his own business interests to some extent from this office:

Tom "Icky Creepy Drooly Old Man" Cruise
14755 Ventura Boulevard #1-710
Sherman Oaks, CA

(Hint: This may or may not prove productive, but you might try addressing the letter to “Tom Mapother”. This happens to be his "real" name and since he presumably gets a LOTS of mail, he might just open YOUR letter, addressed thusly, out of sheer curiosity.)

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Tom Cruise Is Not Gay

Okay, so he played a fairy in Legend. And, he played a fairy in Top Gun. And his Lestat character was totally masculine. He only respected his own cock in Magnolia.

And just because he was in movies titled Cocktail and The Firm, doesn't mean anything!

And his playing a major part in Intimate Portrait: Melissa Etheridge alongside about a million lesbians, well, actually, that's fine. Straight men love lesbians.

And Tom Cruise is so very very straight. He wanted to be a priest. They never have homoerotic news headlines.

Butt really, who cares? I mean, sexual preference is no big deal. Unless you pull the media into this big fanfair over sham relationships because you're afraid of maring you *cough* manly image *uncough*.

If you just came out, we'd stop riding you.

But, if you just came out, Dakota would be safe.

From you.

This post was pretty bad/boring/unfunny. But at least we're self-aware.

"You Tell Me; Would A Gay Man Have The CONFIDENCE To Pull This Look Off?"

Monday, August 29, 2005

Once again, Defamer gets scolded

(Read Article Here)

In a cease and desist letter sent to

The picture of the child dressed as a dancer is not Mr. Cruise. It’s his sister Cass. At nine, he once put on the costume in the other picture for a Halloween party. He did not go around dressed as a girl as your report suggests. […]

Without waiving any of Mr. Cruise’s rights or remedies with respect to your conduct to date, I must ask that you immediate [sic] cease any publication of those photographs and retract the suggestion that he regularly dressed as a girl.

Very truly yours,

Bertram Fields

Wow. His poor, ugly sister.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

And You Thought We Were Crazy...

Friday, August 26, 2005

Condo...........or SAFEHOUSE?

Read Article Here)

KATIE HOLMES, rarely spotted these days without TOM CRUISE or a Scientology minder crazy-glued to her, secretly went condo shopping in L.A... alone! (Insert spooky musical chord!) Katie toured two multimilliondollar condos — one in fancy Hancock Park, another in West Hollywood... alone! Insiders say Katie was whisked in and out after business hours, and "the only thing she asked about was security." Enquiring minds ask: why would engaged Katie need a condo?

Now, we here at Save Dakota are torn.

I mean, our purpose is to save Dakota, so she is first and formost on our mind. Some of our employees would like to believe that if he marries Miss Holmes, Dakota will be safe. After all, he'll be married, and as psychotic as he sometimes talks, he doesn't have a history of cheating on his beards wives.

But, who knows how long this marriage will last. His next target could well be Miss Fanning, once he's used up Katie, and needs someone new to make him look human.

So, his pending nuptuals are no guarentee that Dakota will be safe.

That said, there are also some employees here at Save Dakota who have a deep seeded hatred for Miss Holmes and his crooked half smile and oddly shaped head. But, even with that hatred/dislike/disgust, no one wants to subject anyone to the fake kisses of Mr. Cruise. So, a sub-header of Save Dakota should likely be "and all other women, from Tom Cruise." Including his daughter. Or, dear lord, any of her friends.

But, one life at a time.

So, Katie, he's letting you out on your own. Postpone the marriage. Listen to your parents' concerns. Live in your own condo. Be your own person. Decide without the help of a prompter if you love him. And ask yourself, really ask yourself, why you can't remember how you two met.

A Little Refresher Course In Scientology

(Read More Here

75 million years ago there was an evil galactic overlord named Xenu who ruled over 76 planets including earth (then called Teegeeack).

Due to overpopulation, Xenu decided to gather up the 13.5 trillion people on these planets and send them into volcanoes on earth off the Canary and Hawaiian Islands. He then dropped H-bombs and killed the people.

Xenu trapped the souls of these people in boxes and implanted them with a false reality. The confused souls with these false realities attached themselves in clusters to the last remaining people on Earth. Today we all hold about 2,000 alien souls that can only be released by a Scientologist with auditing sessions.

And then the description starts to get a little critical of the cult "religion," so we'll leave it at that. I mean, isn't the truth good enough?

From The Sun, Via Defamer, Via Miscellaneous Blogs

Cannot ... compute. Respect ... the ... COCK.
The good news? Maybe he just wants to play dress-up with Dakota! Maybe he's just after her killer petticoats!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Cruise: Cross Dresser

(Read Article Here)

According to Cruise's childhood friend Tommy Puckett, in his childhood days the 'Mission Impossible' star loved to put on women's dresses and apply make-up

Why are we not surprised?

National Coalition of Human Rights Activists Censures Tom Cruise

Read Article Here)

"The little actor's comments could conceivably end up getting someone killed," said the President of the NCHRA, David Rice.

Oh sweet baby, "little actor."

Tom Cruise, who has been a customer of Scientology for nearly two decades...


"When a paying customer of a flying saucer cult starts giving medical advice," NCHRA president Rice stated, "people need to question the authority, if not the sanity, of the speaker."

Here, here!

Cruise Tries to Back Track

Read Article Here)

Hollywood hunk Tom Cruise is incensed with a newspaper, after it published an article saying that the actor claimed, he was Shakespeare in his previous birth.

Maybe they jumped the gun on publication date.

No, sadly. Tom is claiming that the whole thing is false, that he was never Shakespeare. Which is good, since most likely, "Shakespeare" didn't write the plays. We're anxiously awaiting the press release where Cruise claims to have been Francis Bacon.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

First Job As Gov? Changing The Age Of Consent!

Confidential To KH: There Are Places You Can Go For Help.

As a public service, SaveDakota presents to our readers and supporters some helpful guidelines to assist in determining whether your "religion" would be considered healthy and well-meaning spirituality or a crazy sick cult. Enjoy!

Healthy spirituality respects the individual's autonomy.
Cults enforce compliance.

Healthy spirituality tries to help individuals meet their spiritual needs.
Cults exploit spiritual needs.

Healthy spirituality tolerates and even encourages questions and independent critical thinking.
Cults discourage questions and independent critical thinking.

Healthy spirituality encourages psychospiritual integration.
Cults "split" members into the "good cult self" and the "bad old self."

Conversion to healthy spirituality involves an unfolding of internal processes central to a person's identity.
Cultic conversion involves an unaware surrender to external forces that care little for the person's identity.

Healthy spirituality views money as a means, subject to ethical restraints toward achieving noble ends.
Cults view money as an end, as a means toward achieving power or the selfish goals of the leaders.

Healthy spirituality views sex between clergy and the faithful as unethical.
Cults frequently subject members to the sexual appetites of the leaders.

Healthy spirituality responds to critics respectfully.
Cults frequently intimidate critics with physical or legal threats.

Healthy spirituality cherishes the members' family.
Cults view the outside family as an enemy.

Healthy spirituality encourages a person to think carefully before making a commitment to join.
Cults encourage quick decisions with little information.


On SaveDakota's to-do list for tomorrow: check with Miriam-Webster to see if a "fiance" or "hero" can be considered a cult.

Scientology Inspired By The Raulians?

Defamer gets all the best gossip.

... three obvious stand-ins/evil clones for Cruise dressed in tuxes and hanging out front as well. Each one stood about 5’6, had spiky black hair, and all sported huge noses. To make things even more creepy they all smiled and cackled EXACTLY like Mr. Xenu (in a deranged, barely hinged manner, for those unfamiliar with his recent behavior). It might be time to start sending out my completely falsified resume because the thought of Tom Cruise building a miniature army from his own DNA right here on the lot is just too unnerving for words.

Ever seen Being John Malkovich? Great movie, I want to dry hump Kaufman, especially after Eternal Sunshine. But I digress; the scene when Malky enters his own body and everyone he sees is also Malky? And it's all, "Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich!" HA! That was weird and dry and hilarious.

But: "Cruise Cruise Cruise!" Not hilarious. Not even a little funny at all.

Imagine. Blinded from the glare of a thousand unnaturally white, unnaturally gummy grins. Everywhere you go, fingers stabbing your chest: "You're GLIB! You're GLIB!" Couches across the globe cower and shudder in fear of unprovoked violence.

This has gone beyond saving Dakota.
This is about saving the WORLD.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Nice Try, Tom. Like Dakota Has Any Idea Who Jessica Rabbit Is.

V.I. Warshawski gets all undercover Xenu on yo' ass:

Kathleen Turner, an actress known for her low sexy tones, donated voiceover for a soon to be released documentary titled “Answering The Call,” which according to its press kit “reveals the plight of Ground Zero workers and their illnesses.”

But it looks like Ms. Turner may be "answering the call" of Scientology.

The documentary by Lou Angeli was produced and written by diehard Scientologist Bunny Dubin.


Not mentioned in the film or press kit is that Scientology volunteers were eventually asked to leave Ground Zero, a tragedy they arguably seemed anxious to exploit.


The documentary press kit states that Ground Zero workers have “found relief through the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project, a program partially funded by actor, Tom Cruise.”

While at first glance this whole sordid, confusing web may seem a more than a bit random, fans of the beloved deceased "Friends" will remember Ms. Turner's appearance as Chandler’s drag-queen father, Charles Bing -- a.k.a. Helena



I mean, I'm sure there's no connection ...

Confidential to DF in Hollywood: Don't answer the phone. Don't answer the call. Don't take the vitamins. And for God's sake, ENJOY your girlness. The boys in the bars with the lipstick and the glitter? They WISH they were you honey. Well, you, only five feet taller with three-inch fake lashes. But STILL.

Dakota Is No One's Wind-Up Doll.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Tom Cruise: My Life Sucks

(Read Article Here)

Scientologist Tom Cruise revealed that he is much older than the forty three years he has spent in his present body.

Tom Cruise noted that he is "old beyond reckoning." What's more, his current life is "probably one of the least satisfying" he has led.

"I was much happier in previous existences when I wrote plays, composed music, conquered nations, discovered continents, and developed cures for diseases," said Tom Cruise.

So, apparently, even though he is so much in love blah blah blah, his past lives were so much better.

I wonder what these cures for diseases were, since medicine is so terrible for you. Maybe he was a vitamin kind.

"Shakespeare was deja vu for me," said Tom Cruise. "It was so cool. I felt as if I had seen his words already, knew them all by heart. Then, after I began studying scientology, I realized the words had come from my heart in a previous life. That's why I say that as glorious and enviable as my present life is, making "War of the Worlds" and all those other great movies can't compare to writing "Romeo and Juliet" or the sonnets.

Cruise was fucking Shakespeare?

I call bullshit on that one.

Hey, isn't there proof that Shakespeare liked the young boys?

I'm just sayin'...

Asian Girls Always Look Young, Tom

(Read Article Here)

Another Future Mrs. Holmes?

"It's Tom Cruise that inspired me to come to the U.S. from a small village of China to pursue my own American dream," says Niki Yan, the young Chinese writer/actress who just finished a book "My Love for you, Tom Cruise -- a Desperate Chinese girl's Confession." This insightful and inspirational fun book is devoted to the person who changed her life forever -- Tom Cruise, the Hollywood movie star who has been her hero and role model since she was 11 years old.

Okay, Miss Yan is clearly too old for Mr. Cruise now.

Niki now is 20 years old, the author of 6 books, and this book is her first book in English. She also finished a screenplay, which also was inspired by Mr. Cruise. Niki expects Tom Cruise to star in it.

If you were 5 years younger, Niki, you could live every girls' dream and marry an old, crazy, sexless man for money and fame. Well, you're still cashing in on him, though.

And we have to respect that.

Cruise Wants Ginormous Wedding

(Read Article Here)

The 43-year-old actor wants to wed the former Dawson's Creek actress in Mexico's Maroma resort after witnessing a $1 million ceremony earlier this year where 300 bare-footed guests partied in a castle decorated like a temple.

After repeated reports of KatieKate wanting a small wedding, maybe this announcement is just the thing to cause a rift. But, considering it's a sham wedding, it will probably happen.

I wonder if lil'Miss Hammer Toes will be barefoot, too.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Katie, this is your past come back to HELP YOU

In 2003, Katie Holmes gave an interview to Marie Claire magazine. You can read the interview here.

The article was titled "12 things I'll never take for granted."

Most of these things were put forth, I'm sure, to maintain Katie's cutsey feminine image. But, a few things she mentioned bear repeating, for her sake if no one else's.

7. My best friend.
My best friend from home is name Meghann. I've known her since kindergarden, and we're like sisters.

If you're so close to her, why did you upgrade tot he Scientologist's Best Friend Model 2005, Katie?

10. Being the baby
I was born last in my family, so I got to watch everybody grow up, and I got a lot opportunities that my four older siblings didn't get.

Maybe this was foreshadowing. Maybe someone should have caught this earlier. Because in the Cruise relationship, you are the baby, and always will be.

12. Love.
Ah love. What they say about it is true: It makes the work go round and round - at least my world. And although I like to keep my personnal relationships private (Katie currently dates actor Chris Klein), I think certain people in my life know I don't take them for granted. It's an unspoken agreement. And if they don't realize that, then I am probably doing something wrong.

Oh, so much to be said here. But, let's highlight the most important part. I like to keep my personnal relationships private "Private" does not mean that some people in Africa with no internet or television may not have heard about who you are dating. "Private" means not making out everwhere there are cameras, even if his kids are standing next to you, waiting for the five minutes of suck-face time is over. Honey, if you think anything about your currently relationship is private, you're as delusional as he is.

You Know I Love You But I Just Can't Take This//You Know I Love You But I'm Playin' For Keeps

(Read Article Here)

Katie Holmes says Scientology is a wonderful thing but she is not fully converted yet. But some friends worry that he's taken over her life.

Ah, so her friends agree that Mr. Cruise IS Scientology. Well, cut off the head of the beast, eh? Any takers?

No, we're just kidding. Violence is wrong. Especially against couches. But we digress.

Katie's Catholic upbringing doesn't seem to be doing its job here. She's abstained from sex for WAY TOO DAMN LONG, and yet, she's jumping at the chance to believe in aliens and weird soul sucking spirits?

If she were this easy to convince, you'd think she would have shut up and put out years ago.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

In Style Readers Can't Read

(Attempt To Read Article Here)

"Readers" of In Style accidently chose Tom Cruise and new fiancee Katie Holmes as the "sexiest couple," misreading the title as "sexlessiest couple."

Now, when I see the two of them, I think of lack of hetero sex, too, so I don't blame In Style's readership, but next time, folks, try to read more carefully.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Out Of The Frying Pan ...

I love you, Defamer. I love you, Hot Button.

Seriously, tho; can things get any crazier in Crazyville? Is there a video of him flogging John Travolta's thetan? Does KatieKate, in fact, enjoy munching lawn more than he does? Is he pushing the Church of Shamentology to allow eleven as the age of consent?

Stay tuned!

Tom Takes Lessons in Love From Ron's School of Spiritual Hocus-Pocus

The Clambake gives tips to the wary consumer on how to believe in Scientology. Funny. In reviewing the five bold points, one might see a parallel in Cruise's apparent ideas on how to get the world to believe in the validity of TomKat:

1. Begin with a plausible mental model.

Man + woman = love & babies. That's not too far off, stereotypically speaking. We at Save Dakota support love -- real love among consenting adults, not publicity "situations" or hypnotic control over little girls SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL TOM! AND SO IS DAKOTA! -- in all it's forms, gay, straight, or otherwise. But in this example we're talking about a plausible mental model. So yes. That a good-looking *gagalittle* man and a good-looking *snortalittle* woman-child in the same line of work would want to marry and procrate? Fine. I'll bite.

2. ‘Prove' that it works.

Um, is that what the nausea-inducing red-carpet let's-not-roll-around-on-the-ground-okay-fine-let's tongue-wrestling make-out-sessions are all about? Because FINE. WE GET THE POINT. YOU CAN KISS HER WITHOUT VOMITING. PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST PLEASE STOP NOW.

3. Increase the amount of unreality on a gradient.

Such as? The fact that it isn't strange that two desperately and deeply in love individuals don't remember every moment and nuance of their first meeting. That they are each, in the other's eyes, completely without fault and will always and forever be in the honeymoon stages of love. That the whirlwind affair of magic starting immediately prior to their summer blockbuster openings was a mere coincidence. That Katie's a virgin. That TOM LIKES THE BOX.

4. Charge lots of money.

Please see: War of the Worlds, Batman Begins, pleasegodlettherebea wedding- or newlywed-based reality series.

5. Reinforce the belief system with ‘social proof'.

More with the making out. More with the celebrity endorsements (Mr. Fallon, I'm looking at you). And then the most solid social proof of all: the contract. No, not that one, altho $5m for five years is a nice little purse. I'm talking about the Wedding Of The Millenium.

Dakota, baby, you don't want you "love" to be guided by a cheatsheet. You want something real and unbridled and unexpected and pure. Something that DOESN'T have to prove itself or stick its tongue down your throat in front of a million papparazi cameras.

You deserve that.

Food For Thought:

Dakota hates tomatoes.

"The only way I eat ketchup is to (convince myself) that it doesn't come from tomatoes."

Hm. Kinda like ol' TommyTom and the physical origin of babies, eh?

This aversion to tomatoes may pose a problem for the possible -- but not if we can help it! -- future Mrs. Cruse; Maverick claims to be a bit of an ace in the kitchen (and what good woman isn't, right? am I right?), and the interweb is plastered with his famous Linguine with Zesty Red Clam Sauce.

Part one of the recipe? Tomato sauce. And the ingredient list, if followed exactly, as we know TommyTom would demand, calls for two cups of chopped plum tomatoes. I doubt he'd be willing to substitute ketchup, even for his inteded child-bride. No, Dakota would have to gag her way past skin and seed, the way one might imagine Tommy Boy gagging his way past boobie and hoo-hoo.

Well, I mean, if he were gay. Which he so is not. Obviously.

But wait ... further down the ingredient list ... 30 littleneck clams. Scrubbed. Scrubbed clean of THETAN RESIDUE?! Is Tom a virtual CANNIBAL?! Sure, thirty clams is nothing compared to the massacre of millions that Xenu exacted upon Earth, but ... dude.

It just seems wrong.
Sick and wrong.

PS: Dakota, clams are way grosser than tomatoes. Is this not enough for you? Run. Run fast and strong, little girl. We'll blind and terrorize him with beaver shots as you make for the hills.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

When Tom Cruise Used Search Engines: Part 2

Searches that have led to this fabulous website in the past day:

3 hits for dakota fanning having sex
2 hits for dakota fanning
2 hits for dakota fanning sex
2 hits for tighty-whiteys
1 hit for tomkat
1 hit for james van der beek and katie holmes at defamer

All we have to say is: GROSS.

Tom, at least wait until she's 18. And, come on...boxers, man. Boxers.

In Touch Magazine: bad touch

In Touch Weekly's August 15th, 2005 issue has created quite a stir here at SaveDakota. If you have a copy, check out page 20, where In Touch mentions Katie's magazine cameo in Vanilla Sky. We broke the news even before Defamer, and yet there's nary a mention of In Touch's source.

Hey, In Touch, give credit where credit is due!

(don't worry, I dropped them an email. And, if you want to drop us an email, you can find us at Drop us your latest TomKat of Fanning gossip, send us hate mail, or ask for nudie pictures.)

They did manage to do a bit of good, though. The page 86-87 spread, detailing Tom's blatent lake of parenting skills (wouldn't you be embarassed, too, if your dad was insane), makes us cringe.

Hey Tom, why is it acceptable for you to date a child, when you're ignoring the feelings of your own??

Hopefully, if In Touch is right, Katie's mom will put a stop to this marriage sham.

Katie may be the baby in the relationship, but Tom needs to grow the fuck up.

Katie: Smaller, Less Offensive Ceremony

(Read Article Here)

Apparently, Katie isn't super keen on having the shamWedding Of The Century.

We all know Cruise likes things big. *wink*

But for a virgin (to weddings, of course!) like Katie, starting out small is probably a better idea. It's the same concept as the two-finger prime. I've heard.

A source told a newspaper: "We don't think Katie will go through with this marriage."

It's not too late, Katie. I'm sure Chris will take you back. Plus, hello, he's taller and not FUCKING GROSS. Ummm, I mean, fucking psycho. "Gross" just sort of slipped out.

Shop Dakota!

Bandwagon? It's better than jumping the couch.

Shop Dakota!
For all your famewhore needs.

You hero from space With a heart bigger than earth You give me a chance

(Read Article Here)

In an interview with Heat magazine, Katie reveals that Tom is in fact her "hero".

Do you know who my hero is? My mom. And I'm not making out with her in public every chance I get. That's just not classy.

"I have never met anyone who is so full of life, so secure in who he is [a bottom] and what he does [men]. It's a beautiful thing to be able to fall in love with a man like him," she gushes.

Unicorns are also beautiful, Katie, and you're not running around saying they're real. Also, I suggest you paint over the ones all over your room. Tom would want it that way.

"He's incredibly interesting to be around: his enthusiasm is infectious."

He's a disease.

"It would be nice if people were happy for us, but our friends know how happy we are together, so why should I care about what rumours are floating out there?"

Except those times you sobbed to reporters begging people to believe it, so terribly heartbroken that you can't act well enough to pull it off aren't being taken seriously.

But Katie, being taken seriously is a big girl thing. Are you ready for big girl pants?

Cruise Easier Target than Pamela Anderson

(Read Article Here)

Remember Baywatch, and gaint fake titties, and bad make-up and dye jobs, and Tommy Lee? Pamela Anderson is a gold mine of comedy, especially to people old enough to remember who she actually is.

But, alas, the long, feminine fingers of TomKat are far reaching. Even a gathering to gently mock Pamela is not safe. Even there, where no outside material should ever be needed, swift jabs were made toward the Cruise/Holmes pairing.

Something is clearly wrong, if you're an easier target than Pamela Anderson.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Katie: Also Relationship Dependant

(Read Article Here)

Amerie says, "The last time I called her and left a message was a few months ago, and it was to congratulate her on her engagement to actor Chris Klein, so it seems really weird to leave a message now saying, 'Congratulations on your engagement to Tom.

"I bet Chris feels absolutely terrible. I feel so sorry for the guy. It's all been so quick, but (Katie's) been in love with (Cruise) since she was a little girl, so imagine how she feels now that she's marrying him."

Holmes dated Klein for five years until they split earlier this year (FEB05), and announced her engagement to Cruise just four months later (JUN05).

There are so many things wrong with the Holmes/Cruise picture.

Any public figure you are in love with as a little girl, is too old for you.

Dating for 5 years. 4 month break. Engaged again. Can't you be single, Katie? Tom can't. We've established that. Don't be his enabler.

Poor Chris, we feel for you. 5 years of not getting any tail, and to be dumped for a (it's just a rumor we're not supporting or denying) gay man must be pretty rough. Of course, Tom Cruise is his favorite actor.

What a tangled web.

More tangled, still, would be Katie's ex-flame Josh Hartnett dating Scarlett Johansson, who ranked higher on the infamous "who can I date to look straight and grasp the public eye again" list of Cruise's.


Run, Dakota.
Run, Katie.

I think I need a drink.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Captain Cruise Almost Made A Good Decision

(Read Article Here)

So, once upon a time, in a gallaxy far far away, Cruise almost ran away from Scientology. Who can blame him, right? With all the stories we here, all the freaky things we read, it seems like the smart thing to do.

They do frown on homosexuality, after all.

But, they pulled him back in.


Or maybe he just embraced the crazy.

Jimmy Fallon: DUPED

(Read Article Here)

He says, "Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are my friends and they're into each other. Forget what you read, I'm with them a lot and it's real."

Well, if anyone knows about overacting, it's Jimmy Fallon.

But, considering he appears to know very little about how to actually act, forgive me if I don't take his word on this.

Cold Feet, Or Functioning Brain

(Read Article Here)

"I think Katie is getting cold feet," a friend of Holmes tells Star. "She must be wishing she and Tom could slow down their race to the altar while they get to know each other better."

Honey, if you have any intention of going through with the marriage, you do not want to get to know this man. He is dependant, controlling, obsessive, and SHORT.

Run, Katie, run. There's no shame in cold feet, in wisening up, in acting without his express permission or consent. Do you value your individuality? Then listen to your gut and GET OUT while the getting is good.

"Katie doesn't exactly want to call off the wedding completely," says her friend. "She'd probably just be a lot happier if it wasn't happening so quickly!" However, the friend also adds: "Katie is a smart girl, and she could very well wake up one morning and decide that being with a man nearly twice her age is just not something she wants to do. She could become a real-life runaway bride."

Except for that faking-kidnapping-doing-community-service-in-an-ugly-orange-jumper thing, you should TOTALLY go for it, Katie.

Pee Ess: In potential explanation of Tom's behavior, he does used to *cough*stilldoes*cough* suffer from severe dislexia. And, if you don't look at the letters the "proper" way, Katie becomes I Take, which he certainly is doing. Holmes, on the other hand, becomes Ho Smel.

Friday, August 12, 2005

I'm Drunk Right Now, Which Makes This Even More Glorious.

Dear, sweet, beautiful Christ, thank you for

The Collective Nightmare Of Save Dakota:

Look into my eyes, Dakota. You are getting sleepy.
Veeeeeeery sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.
The vitamins, Dakota. You want to take the vitamins.

Some Things Are Unforgivable

(Re-Read Article Here)

Now, there's something I just have to rehash. I can't let it go.

1. Dakota Fanning's parents did not want to get her a cell phone yet.
2. Tom Cruise gets her a cell phone.

Tom, you're a friggen parent! Why would you undermine the authority of Dakota's parents? Why would you devalue the restrictions they were establishing? Do you want me to swoop down and give Isabella a lesson in bjs? No? Well, you probably have more experience giving them than I do, anyway.

But seriously, people. He gave her a cell phone against her parents wishes. Not only is that bad parenting, but that's downright creepy. If weird old men were giving me gifts to keep in "touch" with them when I was that young, there would have been hell to pay from my mom.

It just feels wrong.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

(We're Just Jealous Because We Didn't Get One.) joins the ever-increasingly-unexclusionary club!

Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. You're glib. Haven't you learned? Don't mess with the TommyTom train, or you're liable to get caught in those big, steel, Thetan-possessed wheels.

But don't worry, cupcake. We've got a consolation prize for you:

This Just In: No One Wants to Look at You

(Read Article Here)

Apparently, the people at Mission Impossible: 3 tried to save the public the butteye sore that is Tom Cruise, but covering him in a big black tarp. "Let the public seeeeeeeeeeee meeeeeeeeeeeeeee," he whined, and ordered them to take it down, or he's sic his lawyers/alien friends on them.

Wow, if he were gay, he'd be such a demanding diva.

Oh, wait.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

When Tom Cruise Used Search Engines

Searches that have led to this fabulous website in the past 2 days:

6 hits - dakota fanning
2 hits - dakota fanning sex
2 hits - dakota fanning sounds
1 hit - fanning
1 hit - katie and tom broken up
1 hit - what does dakota fanning like
1 hit - dakota fanning teeth
1 hit - dakota fanning addiction
1 hit - dakota fanning and teeth

Someone is doing his research...

Socks + Tighty Whiteys = Totally Hetero. No, Really.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

This Just In: Nobody Loves A Fame Whore

(Read Article Here)

Though she's not Lauren Bacall, Rachel Bilson has her own group of fans, most likely people who grew into adulthood (or close to it) watching Miss Holmes on Dawson's Creek.

It's nice to hear the voice of reason come from so many rich and interesting corners of Hollywood.

Maybe she's just scared because she sort of looks like Katie Holmes (and Teri Hatcher. More Teri hotness, less Katie Downy-ness, but still). I would be, too.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Cruise's Worth Plummits. Antics Won't Save You Now.

(Read Article Here)

newly installed Paramount Pictures chief Brad Grey demanded the 43-year-old actor [Cruise] reduce his backbreaking salary for starring in and producing his next film, Mission: Impossible III. . .

Ultimately, Cruise blinked, scaling back his mammoth payday, and Mission: Impossible III is being shot as you read this.

So, Mister Big Shot was willing to take a pay cut.


Guess, with this and his respecting the cock, he's not such a "big" "shot" after all.

Fanning Fanning Flames of Fame

(Read Article Here)

At the tender age of 11, child star Dakota Fanning is a cinematic force to be reckoned with, prompting one US show business magazine to crown her Hollywood's most powerful actress. While Tinseltown's leading ladies live in terror of being dismissed by producers as being over the hill, Fanning, who co-stars opposite Tom Cruise in Steve Spielberg's epic movie War of the Worlds, is in no such danger.

Listen, Dakota: you are on the up and up. Mr. "I give you cell phones behind your parents' backs" is on the outs. Thus far, he's picked up minor ladies and brought them into the public eye, letting them cling to his coat tails of fame. But his fame is fleeting, Fanning, and your fame is forthcoming. He's heading for his downward spiral. Don't let him pull you down, too. Don't give him that last breath of air.

You're better than that.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Since I'm hung over, and nothing's happening in the news.

So, last night I was watching that terrible First Daughter or whatever movie that KatieKate was in with Michael Keaton. I just about died when I saw that he was in this movie. What is this world coming to.

I couldn't help but watch the movie. In doing so, I discovered how much I absolutely hate Katie Holmes. Everything about her annoys me completely. She has bad teeth. Her eyes are all droopy. And that goddamn half smile. I want to punch her.

But, even with my fist all on punchy mode, I still think she's better than Tom Cruise.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

15 Excuses For Katie's Behavior

(Read Article Here)

15 Reasons Katie Is All Grown Up, eh? Let's take a look at these reasons, shall we?

1. She won't bad-mouth her exes.

Her first two exes, Joshua Jackson and Chris Klein, seem like genuinely nice guys. And, if Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman have told us anything, Katie will have a legally binding contract where she's not allowed to say anything negative about Mr. Cruise or his lack of heterosexuality ever, for fear of lawsuit, disappearence, and death.

2. She doesn't care what anyone thinks about her relationship with Tom.

At first, this seems like a good, grown up thing to do. But, Katie, when he freaks out on you, yelling and crying and hitting things, because you wanted to talk to Nicole and didn't get a permission slip from him, um, maybe you should care.

5. She loves her claim to fame.

Dating an obsessive co-dependant is not a claim to fame dear. It's a cry for help.

9. She knows her own mind.

She can't recall how she met the love of her life, and has to be prompted to say she loves him, but sure, she knows her own mind.

14. She isn't focused on what she looks like.

Considering your droppy eyes, hammer toes, snaggle teeth and hideous half smile, this is a good thing.

15. She realizes the value of friends.

Especially ones appointed to her.

And in the side bar:
While she may never lead a "normal" life as Mrs. Tom Cruise, she is already off to a great start as a future stepmother to Tom's adopted kids with Nicole Kidman, Connor and Isabella. "The kids really like her and she seems to really like them," says an insider. As for the pair's baby prospects, insiders speculate that TomKat plan to have kids soon after they marry. They wouldn't discuss how many, so we turned to psychic medium and energy artist Lin Lauren for a heads-up.

"This is only the beginning for these two. They have the energy to go the distance and will probably have their babies in succession (at least two), biological. Tom will always be the one up front in career, but that's fine with Katie. This is a love match that can go the distance if given the chance."

The kids like her? Because they're in the same peer group.

And we all know they're going to adopt. He's been priming her, it's the hot Hollywood thing, and, well, I just don't want to picture them trying to have sex. Someone in that pairing is a virgin to hetero-sex, but we're not allowed to say which one.

He's Just Respecting The Cock

(Read Article Here)

Hollywood actress Mimi Rogers split from her ex-husband Tom Cruise because he refused to have sex and wanted to become a monk.

Are you sure he didn't say alter boy?

Any man who pretends to be straight, but won't have sex with Mimi Rogers, is a sick, sick individual.

But, who can blame him for wanting to be a monk? If movies have taught me anything, monks can spit the ninja juice, and levitate. Sweet.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Go Dakota!

Our little woman makes us so goddamn proud.

... here's a cheer for feisty 11-year-old War of the Worlds star DAKOTA FANNING — who lets no one push her around! When Tom sent a Scientology minion to the set to coax her on a tour of Hollywood's Scientology Center, the conversation went like this:

"How about Friday?"
"Sorry, I'm busy."
"Well, how about Saturday?"
"Sorry, I'm busy then, too."

Dakota, daughter of Southern Baptists, never took the tour.

Three cheers for our vitamin-eschewing wunderkind!

"No, seriously! I'm totally straight! Why are you laughing?"

And At What Level OT Does The Auditing Adjust The Ruin Of Love Addiction?

TommyTom's a relationship junkie. Full article here.

The “War of the Worlds” star seems to have a bit of the J.Lo syndrome: Cruise apparently told Jamie Foxx that he can’t stand not being in a relationship.

Listen, Dakota. I know co-dependence. I've been there, done that. No matter which side of that dysfunctional dating pond you're standing on, it ain't pretty.

And I know that his concern and his phone calls seem sweet and welcome now, but picture this if you will: a 50-year-old man-boy, sobbing and red-faced because you were at the grocery store twenty minutes later than you said you would be, and you left your GPS tracking device phone he so sweetly got you before your first date at home so he wasn't able to reach you, and maybe you're not breathing so well at this point. Picture tears and snot globbed disgustingly onto his cheeks, 32 new voice messages in the last hour, dishes broken in the kitchen sink, and I'll bet it feels like you've got cement in your lungs. I'll bet you want nothing more than to hop your ass into that fancy sportscar he probably got you for your third date and get as far away as fast as you can.

But you can't, Dakota.
Because right now you're eleven.
Remember that.

One day you WILL be old enough to hop your ass into some sporty ride and speed off into the sunset. But let that ride be your own. Let that sunset be about moving toward something beautiful, not running from something ugly.

Dammit, girl -- and I would give this advice to ANY strong young female, not just those in peril of finding themselves cringing in pain from the strongman-clutch handhold of a desperately-needs-to-be-medicated couch-assulting clam-loving arrested-development megalomaniacal questionably-hetero freaky freak (you listening, KatieKate?) -- live for yourself. Keep your heart open, but keep your head on straight. If you fall in love, be in love, relish your love, but don't give yourself up. And during the times when you find yourself unattached, relish in your singleness. Be a little selfish. Learn what makes you happy, what you want with your life. Don't apologise for being you and don't apologise for being twenty fucking minutes late because traffic sucked and the retard at the checkout had to pricecheck every goddamn thing in your cart.

And don't take those vitamins.
And don't answer that phone.
And know that we love you.

Will There Be Room For TommyTom On The Mothership?

Full Article.

The source says that while church officials are “very happy” that Cruise has increased awareness of the sometimes controversial church and its positions, episodes such as his criticism of Brooke Shields and his testy talk with Matt Lauer on the Today Show “seem to be causing some backlash.”

Never fear, Tommy Boy; your brothers down at the S-to-tha-CIENTOLOGY gots your back, yo. Invoke the scatalogical references, oh enlightened ones:

Regarding rumored dissatisfaction ... [the church representative] “Obviously, your sources are feeding you horse manure. But beyond that, it’s offensive to even suggest that the Church would take positions regarding any of its members’ affairs, when its sole role is a spiritual one.”

If the rumors of discord amongst the alien fetishists church is true, what does this mean to Tom? Wait, fuck Tom. What does this mean to DAKOTA? While we at Save Dakota hope with all of our dangerously swollen hearts that D.Fan will have the strength and foresight be able to keep T.Cru at bay ... well, if she's going down (and I mean this figuratively, as we all well know that her gentleman caller cringes at the thought of a female touching his Little Tommy in ANY way), the least we can hope for is that the brain leaches from Thetanville will have, by that time, unlatched themselves from TommyTom's bloated head and slithered off to hide under less visibly crazy celebrity skulls, saving Dakota the messy ordeal of the post-nuptiual-contract conversion and brainwashing.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Dakota In Rehab?

(Read Article Here)

RE: Kathy Griffin

She's even spread rumors about universally adored child star Dakota Fanning entering rehab while working the red carpet.

If only it were true...

Dakota on drugs would knock out her chances with TommyTom. And, she does dress like it.

Well, a girl can dream...

We Make The Baby Katie Cry

(Read Article Here)

Star reports that Kate Holmes has been having no-tear-left-behind cry sessions over gossipers dissing her and Tom Cruise. If she falls into clinical depression, will he let her receive treatment? The part that most bothers Katie is people's saying that their romance is a publicity stunt.

Kate Holmes? hahahahhahahhahahah.

Dear Katie,

When your so-called man-love acts like a lunatic, when you're engaged so soon as your business agreement was signed, errr, since you met thoughyoucan'trememberhow, people are going to talk.

My advice? Shut up, accept the money, diddle your ex on the side (no one is buying the virgin bit), and, when the time limit is up, take the money and run.

Kate. hahahhahahahahhaha.

Sex Ed. Recap

(Read Article Here)

she was offered the role again last month when Tom Cruise’s new love, Katie Holmes, pulled out.

Katie, Katie, Katie, didn't you mamma ever tell you that the pull out method NEVER works.

Tom won't even stick it in you (he must respect his cock), and you're pulling out of movies for him? Because he doesn't want you to be someone else's muse, even in a movie.

Pee Ess, I've seen pictures of you topless. More than Mr. Cruise wants to see! Ha!

PPS: Taking a closer look at the picture, maybe that is the little reason Mr. Cruise likes to rub up against you.