Katie Holmes and the Case of Vaginal Herp

Katie has the Herp. We know. We've seen the pictures.


And, sure, we speculated that she had the vajayjay herp. Because we're mean like that. But, little did we know we were right.

It feels good to be right. It always does.

How To Be A Crappy Parent

Be frequently photographed out and about without your brand new infant.

Where's the baby?

Oh. Maybe there isn't one.

THAT IS NOT KATIE

Look at that picture. That is NOT Katie Holmes.

SHAM.

Trouble With TomKat? SHOCKING!

read article here

Now Life & Style Weekly is reporting that after a big blowout - Katie and baby are off to Ohio. Without Tom.

What a refreshing change from Katie and Tom out at MIIIIIIIIIIII event. Without baby.

Waddle Katie, waddle.

Where are pictures of this supposed baby, anyway? We've seen her "stretch marks" (not buying it). Where is ElRonnie?

While no one really knows what she looks like, they're still waiting until she turns 18. Rrrrrrow.

Hey, 16 is the legal age of consent in Ohio (don't ask me how I know that). So, here's to hoping that Katie flees Tom and runs on home.

Maybe he should bring Dakota to Ohio.

We Knew This Day Would Come

Cruise Goes On Shooting Spree.

Shim Sham

I'm yoinking this straight from trent because I'm tired and he says it better than I ever could.

Please forgive my continuing skepticism but stuff like this just doesn't seem to make sense. Why would Katie be so happy to allow her exposed stomach (rife with stretch marks) be so easily photographed for all the world to see if she weren't trying to prove something? Yes, these pictures give credence to the whole "she really gave birth" theory but it still seems fishy to me. Is it so hard to believe that if TomKat was so intent on pulling off this scam that they would take their sham as far as possible? It is completely in the realm of possibility that a make-up artist could make her stomach look like this ... OR ... she may have really given birth -- but I don't know that I'll ever believe it is actually Tom Cruise's baby. If I were Chris Klein, I'd be asking for a paternity test.
from here

One Can Only Hope

Katie Holmes is reportedly exhausted and constantly in tears since giving birth to daughter Suri - sparking speculation that she could have the baby blues.

According to Britain's The Sun newspaper, friends say the actress breaks down and cries and seems emotional and very tired since she and fiancé Tom Cruise welcomed their baby girl last month.

She's also been spotted looking red-eyed at the plush Beverly Hills mansion she shares with Tom, who last year slammed Brooke Shields for admitting taking anti-depressants for post-natal depression.

Thank you skywench!

First Joan Rivers, Now Rosie. Think she'll write a haiku about it?
Tom Cruise Rules. And Still Sucks. Rules for Katie, er, Kate to live by. “babies can smell it and detect it,” Yum.
First Post-Birth Rumors Of A Split. Whatever.

Yeah. I almost don't care.

Joan Rivers KNOWS Scary

Rivers Mocks Cruise, Again

Joan maybe be on the crazy train, but they always say, it takes one to know one. And usually, she's pretty spot on with her observations. So, when she questions the paternity of little baby Suri, well, take notice, people.

So, no true baby pictures on Ellen this AM. According to celbrity_baby, all he did was draw hair on a photo of another newborn baby with a Sharpie. He drew in a full head of hair and emphasized the lips saying, she had "Kate's lips." Bah humbug on that one.

In other news, a Scientology higher-up is a slum lord. Tom doesn't know how to open a car door. George Lucas, proving there's no honor among midgets totally disses on cruise.

Tom Cruise Loves Tom Cruise, But The People Don't

Tom Cruise has declared war against another innocent victim. After losing previous battles with things like perscription medication and sanity, Cruise has picked an easier target, TomCruise.com.

The domain, registed eight years ago, currently belongs to Jeff Burgar, one of the most famous cyber squatters. Al Gore may have invented the internet, but nobody knows the history of the internet like Tom Cruise knows the history of the internet.

While busy fighting shadows, though (I'm reminded of a long ago carebear movie), the public, victims themselves of countless news articles, punny headlines, and Entertainment Tonight speculation, are retaliating.

It turns out, Cruise is currently only slightly more popular than our monkey president.

A friend of mine long ago has a theory she called The Monkey Theory. Take anything of value, a book, movie, painting. Add a monkey. If the peice of work is betterwith the monkey, it wasn't good art to begin with. The Mona Lisa would not be improved by the presence of a monkey. Neither would Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures. And neither is our government.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right. Being only slightly more popular than the president means you're in pretty bad shape. I mean, Louie Anderson is slightly more popular than the president, and he's friggen Louie Anderson.

Baby Vitamins?

No, not shaped like babies, silly. FOR babies.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, baby vitamins. Most pediatricians would not recommond feeding vitamins to infants, but they don't know the history of vitamins, and we do.

So, for all Tom Cruise's baby vitamin needs: Infant Vitamin Drops.

The do come with a strict warning: DO NOT SHAKE.

Do they mean the vitamins, or the baby?

FIRST PICTURE OF BABY SURI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You saw it here first!!!!!!

Okay, not really. But Cruise, in celebration of Mother's Day, even though Katie won't be there (jiggawhat?), may or may not be showing a picture of Suri on the Ellen show.

Hopefully this won't be the same "picture" that he flashed during a MI:III:IIIII:IIIIII thingy.

And, I really hope he doesn't get baby pictures mixed up with his Dakota Fanning Nudie pictures.

How embarrassing would that be, eh?

Keeping You Abreast Of The Situation

We've heard from a few reliable sources that Tom Cruise is thinking of attempting to breastfeed Suri himself.

But, wait, doesn't Scientology encourage not breastfeeding? Well, if you actually read those passages (I wouldn't recommend it; for a crazy cult, the writings are actually way boring), breastfeeding is discouraged because it increases the bond of the mother and child without the father's participation.

The recent picture of Kate Holmes out and about make us wonder. How is it okay that she's breastfeeding.

So, we put our feelers out. And, Tom, right now, is simulating nursing using Kate's breast milk, to build a bond with the baby, but he's bee looking in to attempting to breastfeed himself, to truly bond with his first non-adopted child (rumor has it he's looking forward to at least two more kids, maybe hoping for a Son?).

Um, hello, GROSS. Tom Cruise is bad enough. Tom Cruise lactating? Is it even possible?

Actually, it's happened before. Not with Tom Cruise, but with other men. When a baby suckles at the breast, hormones are produced which cause milk production to increase. The more the baby sucks, the more milk is made. Your body responds to what the baby needs. If the baby steps up the amount of time it is spending at the breast, the body figures the baby is growing and needs more milk, so it makes more. As simple as that. All a man has to do to get his breasts to produce milk is to let the baby suck at them.

Feminist author Fiona Giles, author of Fresh Milk: The Secret Life of Breasts, claims that there are "obvious benefits" to male breastfeeding. While men have the biological ability to produce milk, she says, the time and effort necessary to induce lactation might be out of proportion to the miniscule amounts of milk actually produced--but for a man to hold a baby to his breast "would be extremely beneficial to both the parent and child."

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Writing Up Real Articles Is For Pussies

Tom Pretends Holmes Is First Mother Of His Children. Conner and Bella start cutting.

Tom Allows "Grandparents" Single Supervised Visit, but only if Jesus waits in the other room.

Bella True Scientology Mastermind. That, or she always wanted a sister close to her age.

Katie Holmes Abandons Baby, prefers company of fans. Baby left to cry with stranger/handler.

Ladies Love Cool J, Hate Cruise. Locking up teenage daughters seems like a better and better idea now.

More Boring TC News

Cruise's Dutch Stalker. Only the Dutch, man.

Cruise Sends Sheild Gift Basket. Filled with vitamins, no doubt.

Join Scientology, Gain Super Powers. Ability to annoy whole country with single jump.

Kidman More Delusional Than Previously Thought. Still loves Cruise?

Tom Cruise Sucks At Movies. And life.

Tom Cruise Rules With Iron Fist. He may not have cut nudie scenes the first time, but he will now.

Most Sales From Current Movie Due To Scientologist. Many industry insiders have long speculated that stars make volume buys - especially on the first night - if they are concerned that a film might not meet expectations. Would Cruise fans at the church try this? In a word: Yes.

(image stolen shamelessly from My Favorite Trent.)

All The "News" That's Fit To...eh, whatvere

Fanning Wins Award For War Of The Worlds. Cruise still a douche.

"she auditioned for the role of Tom's babies' mama."

Keri Russell Not A Douche. See, Katie, not all ex-WB stars are destined for douchedom.

Cruise Benefits Medicine. By demonstrating what NOT to do.

Cruise Benefits Self. A picture's worth a million...bucks.

Rural Scientology Center Offers Open House. Nobody Cares.

16 Days After "Birth," Holmes Already Abandoning Baby For Night On The Town. Great parenting skills.

Short End Of The....Stick

Don't Forget To Ask Ellen Questions. The more she knows...

Tom Cruise Isn't Half The Woman Brooke Sheilds Is. And, she's not a douche. Unlike some people.

Flying Is Cruise's Favorite Stress Buster. Mine is knocking up vacant chicks.

Everyone Hates Tom. Insert Bomb Joke Here.

Katie Holmes is officially changing her name to Kate. Um, actually, since Katie is nickname, and her real name is Katherine, she's not officially doing anything, except being an idiot.

Anorexia Is Good For Breast Milk. Oh, wait, Scientologists don't believe in nursing.

Have A Question For Tom Cruise?

Ellen Wants To Hear It

So, go there. Maybe, if enough people ask the right questions, like Why did you give Dakota Fanning a cell phone after her parents agreed that she wasn't old enough for one? Ellen will ask it, too.

So, shoot off a quick question for Tom Cruise.

Hmmm, I wonder if "You are a douche" counts as a question.